I Know the Toys Suck, but I Still Want Me Some Crackerjacks

Someone once said that writing is like baseball, regardless of hard work, knowledge and experience, "You still need to be able to throw a 100MPH fastball."

The person who said this (a screenwriter who's name escapes me right now) is implying that the most important aspect of screenwriting is sheer, handed down from Mt. Olympus, God-given ability.

I disagree.

I have met writers who are extremely talented, however they do little to hone their craft. They don't read scripts/books/other materials... they don't attend classes, seminars, etc... they don't network... and, most important of all, they don't write everyday!

Now, you can get away with not reading (a little bit) and not going to film school (whose necessity is debatable) and maybe, just maybe they can get away without networking (not bloody likely) .... BUT, you cannot avoid writing.

If you're not writing everyday at this stage of your career then you will never be a writer. Ever. That's just it. People complain about writer's block or that writing isn't fun. Fine, then writing is not for you.

Masturbating to Hannah Montana while eating Cheetos is not writer's block; it's ... well, I'll let you figure out which seven deadly sins apply. Writer's block does not exist. The best cure for writer's block is to get your ass off the couch and plop it... on a chair in front of your computer and write! It doesn't have to be gold and it probably won't be, but hey! You're writing!

Mike Myers shared a story on "Inside the Actors Studio" about how SNL writers would write, "And Gilda does something funny" and move on with their script. This is a great device to use. There are several times where I'll write a stream-of-conscious type prose within my script just to work out the thoughts in my head and I'll leave it in Final Draft and sort it out later.

But even if you don't have writer's block, you might not be able to get much writing done because "writing isn't fun." Well, no effen $#!T! Who ever said writing was fun? If it was fun they wouldn't call it writing, they would call it the porn industry.

Writing is often a laborious, sometimes torturous and nearly always a solitary trade. I'm butchering this quote from another writer whose name escapes me (I'm having a blond day, I know), but it basically goes, "Writing is cutting open your veins and bleeding on the page."

Or in our case, slitting our wrists and letting the blood pour from our arteries on to our Macbooks and into Final Draft and willing ourselves not to call 911 until we have 120 pages of cinematic gold!

Yes, writing isn't fun. I never claimed to be any good. I never claimed to have a "love for writing." For me, and this may not apply to many other people so I apologize if this isn't helpful...

... But I am addicted to writing. I wake up in the middle of the night and hop on the computer to write some dribble that came to me in a dream. Dribble that in the morning will look like I am one bender away from lopping off my ear and mailing it to a chemically unbalanced ex-girlfriend of my choice. I will sit and read interviews of obscure writers just to steal ideas... I mean, supplement my screenwriting knowledge? I will watch ostensibly mundane and boring documentaries just to glean any bit of that fastball that people keep talking about.

I never claimed to be be able to "throw a 100MPH fastball." And I suppose, the way the fastball theory works, you can't ever learn to throw one. Maybe.

Maybe not. I might not have a million dollar arm, but I certainly do not have a five cent head. Maybe I can't throw a 100MPH fastball, but I can get you to hit some ground balls and my boys can turn double plays like Derek Jeter. The thing that the writer fails to realize is that there are more pitches than fastballs. Sliders... curveballs... knuckleballs... splitters... spitters...

And every once in a while I'll throw one high and tight, just to keep you interested.